So my Christmas present to myself in 2005 was...to break up with my boyfriend. Nice? No. Necessary? Yes.
So I started 2006 single and on Zoloft, fighting with my idiot psychiatrist.
I was a senior in high school, 13th in my class, but I fucking hated that place. I apparently took the economics exam and passed, though I don't remember it at all, because I didn't have to retake it and government was upon me. Due to the self-righteous teachers that found it amusing to fuck me over, I was getting really sick of that place.
Three weeks to the dot after I broke up with my boyfriend, on January 17th, I got a new one. I was terrified--this was my first relationship in a long time that was based on actual desire rather than some other unsavory reason. Usually I initiated relationships in which I was the one in control of everything--to use my last one in particular, he loved me more than I loved him, so everything was easier. This was different. I didn't want to be in control, but I feared desperately that since my previous relationships were all dysfunctional, this one would turn out the same.
In March, I had finally had enough with high school. On a Monday I went home sick and freaking out, and I never went back. I had a nervous breakdown and didn't go to school. By this time I got a new psychiatrist who actually knew what he was doing--he diagnosed me with depressive disorder, GAD, and OCD, took me off Zoloft, and put me on Lexapro (which I am still on) and Ativan (which didn't do shit). A few days later I became suicidal, so hello BryLin.
I loved and loathed that place. Everything was so organized, so I didn't feel like I was losing control, but still I wanted to get out, because it was hurting everyone and for some reason I figured getting out would make me better. My boyfriend stood by me when he could have left and I wouldn't have blamed him for it--he'd only invested two months into me, and most people would have left...but he didn't. This came as a shock to me, because I was so used to feeling inadequate and I figured the hospitalization was the major fuck-up I'd commit that would end this relationship. While in the hospital I was taken off the Ativan, leaving me anxious and jittery for a weekend before I was put on Klonopin, and when I mentioned my deep-set paranoia I was put on Seroquel.
When I got out they were ready to send me back to school, but even thinking about going back made me nauseous. I was going to try home-schooling, but that didn't work out because I didn't have that much work sent home and I just couldn't bring myself to do that. I also became quite manic, quit my job of almost two years, and spent money like it was nothing. My account quickly went from around $1000 to about $100...but I thought I would be better soon...
...turns out that didn't happen. I was diagnosed with bipolar II and put on Lamictal, and I became somewhat suicidal again late May, and said the wrong things to the wrong people. Back to BryLin for me in early June, same feelings, different people. I hated the guy who now did the group therapies, so I would go in, take the information sheet, and go to my room and sleep.
During the summer I was desperately trying to hold myself together, because I was told a third trip to BryLin could end up landing me in an institution. Having a boyfriend who loved me and I truly loved in return helped immensely. I survived the summer and got my GED. We tried to quit smoking, but I ended up nearly having another nervous breakdown, so back to cigarettes it was. I do want to quit, but only when I'm ready and I can function without them.
Fall came and I went to register at ECC...even though I didn't get into all the classes I wanted I had a pretty decent schedule and was able to take my English course online. I liked college a lot more than high school, although I did my fair share of skipping, particularly near the end of the semester...and I managed, to my knowledge (one teacher didn't post the grades yet) to get a 4.0. Amazing. I registered for my spring semester online and got into all the classes I wanted to get in last semester but couldn't. I'll have to be there a little longer than last semester because I'm taking five classes on campus (as opposed to four classes and an online course), but I'm ready.
Christmas...I got my iPod, $20 for the mall, $20 for Hot Topic, $20 in cash, a $25 check, $50 for Abercrombie and Fitch (laugh all you want but I checked out the website and they do have some cute stuff), makeup, a few video games, a belt that as cute as it is, I don't need it so I'm returning it, pajamas that I'm returning but my grandmother didn't put in a fucking gift receipt, a green suede jacket, a cute black sweater with poofballs, blank CDs, stockings that I had been lusting after at Target, and mocha Chapstick. I gave my brother a video game, my mother candles and earrings, my father Monty Python and the Holy Grail, my boyfriend a hoodie, and my boyfriend's sister a handmade blanket.
Today my boyfriend and I are going gift-returning.
Near the end of last year/beginning of this year I was eating Chinese with friends and I got a fortune cookie that said "The current year will bring you much happiness." I never put very much weight into fortune cookies but I saved that one and taped it on my mirror, hoping it would be true.
Turns out, despite the rough patches...it was right.
What to look forward to next year? Spring semester, celebrating my one-year with my boyfriend, transferring to Daemen, and I think I'm going to commute the first year.
New Year's Resolution? The main one is to work on myself, to learn to deal with my problems better. My secondary one is to quit smoking, but we'll see how that one pans out...