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Teenage angst has paid off well; now I'm bored and old

There is nothing I could say that I haven't thought before

Sentimentally Ill



November 4th, 2008

(no subject)



that is all.

August 20th, 2008

It's what you do to me =(

Hey there Delilah
What's it like in New York City?
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl, tonight you look so pretty
Yes, you do
Times Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true

Hey there Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice
It's my disguise
I'm by your side

Oh, it's what you do to me
Oh, it's what you do to me
Oh, it's what you do to me
Oh, it's what you do to me
What you do to me

Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me, girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good

Hey there Delilah
I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away, I'd write it all
Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all

Oh, it's what you do to me
Oh, it's what you do to me
Oh, it's what you do to me
Oh, it's what you do to me

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
And we'll just laugh along because
We know that none of them have felt this way

Delilah, I can promise you
That by the time that we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame

Hey there Delilah
You be good and don't you miss me
Two more years and you'll be done with school
And I'll be making history like I do
You'll know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah
Here's to you
This one's for you

Oh, it's what you do to me
Oh, it's what you do to me
Oh, it's what you do to me
Oh, it's what you do to me
What you do to me

July 21st, 2008

...but this *someone* also needs to update more often.

So, life...well, picking up from where I last left off...

I don't have hemochromatosis. Basically, I'm in the "mystery" file right now, because my doctor has no idea why my ferritin levels are so high. He theorises that it may be hereditary, as my mom has high levels also. This was the day before I left, so we basically came to the agreement that we'd deal with it when I came back, because six weeks won't do any harm. He thinks I should still do phlebotomy; my mom talked to her doctor at the Cleveland Clinic and he said that phlebotomy would be a horrid idea because...well...the' re's nothing to gain. /shrug.

Meanwhile, in my absence, my mom got a boyfriend =D Sure, there is a slight creepy factor because he's my dad's girlfriend's half-brother, but no one cares. She's so happy and it's adorable; I'm so happy for her. She's actually going to go camping with him =O but it's a cabin so it won't be that bad =P My mom always told me her idea of camping was a Holiday Inn. Of course he's practically all she talks about...Vinny this, and Vinny that (he's Sicilian! He plays guitar! He's in a band!) but she definitely deserves this.

And as for me? Vegas, baby. I'm here until the 6th of August, then on a red-eye back to Buffalo. /faceplant.
It's not just that I have to leave him...again. It's the fact that I have to contend with life back on the east coast. Everything is so much simpler here.
He's (hopefully) moving back early next year though, and that's all that matters.
I try not to dwell on going back. I'm just going to enjoy the rest of my time here. =)

P.S. Vista blows.

June 10th, 2008

(no subject)

It's odd, really, how one thing can suddenly snowball into a bunch of things you didn't expect.

In mid-April I went for a routine blood test, prescribed by my primary care doctor. While there, I asked them to check my iron levels, as I thought I was anemic and had a deficiency.

Turns out (as I mentioned before) they were high.

They sent me to a hematologist, an old guy working out of South Mercy who should have retired a couple of decades ago. He was hard of hearing, made a snap diagnosis and signed me up for a blood test to prove it.

Turns out, the test he did was in essence another routine blood test, only confirming that my iron levels were still high.

Because this doctor thought I had hemochromatosis, and the evidence wasn't convincing enough, we went to get a second opinion.

What is hemochromatosis, you ask? It's a genetic disease that causes the body to absorb more iron than normal. Can be asymptomatic, especially at my age. Treatment? Phlebotomy--getting a pint of blood taken out of me every x amount of weeks. This old guy said every six weeks.

Today I went for my second opinion. This guy was a lot younger and really knew what he was talking about. He sent me off for more extensive blood work and an abdominal ultrasound (which I have Saturday morning, to check for any possible liver damage) to see if I have hemochromatosis.
He also said I'd have to have blood taken out of me every week, three weeks on one week off usually, and this can be for a few years, and then it gets spaced out. Luckily, he said, if I do have it, my six-week vacation won't be an issue; we'd just start when I get back.

I have another appointment with him on the 20th, the day before I leave, and by then he'll have all the tests back and we'll go from there.

As of now? I'm drained.

May 6th, 2008

Hmm. I'm getting lazy.
So what has happened to me in the past 14 weeks?

-Loverface came up for two weeks in April...I miss him. =( I'm going down there for a while, not sure when I'm leaving...could be as early as late June, and staying until August. Yay vacation! Luckily my parents are going to throw some money my way because I'm broke. Really broke. It sucks.

-Only 6 more classes until the end of the semester! Aaaaand...I only have to go back in the fall and then I graduate...I get a degree. Holy shit. I'll have an associate's degree in Social Sciences, then I have to figure out where I'm going to go for spring to work on my B.A. in psych...any suggestions are welcome.

-I have too much iron in my blood! Yay! (/sarcasm) I had a blood test done when Loverface was here and now I have to see a hematologist (sp?) on Thursday, where I'll get more needles stuck into me, likely causing horrendous bruises! At least I'll finally find out for sure whether or not I'm anemic. As stupid as it sounds, I really hope I am, only because it would explain a lot and I can figure out what I should do.

There's a few other things but I really don't want to talk about them right now...and that's basically it!

See you in another 14 weeks! =P

January 22nd, 2008

(no subject)

First off, mediocre ramblings on how school starts again tomorrow.

And then...I miss you. More than anything. It hurts. I don't know what I'm going to do--I know you're only 2200 miles away, and we still talk every day, but I still feel so lost.
That's all I can think of to say right now.

And finally, normally I don't really get shocked or pay much attention to celebrity deaths, but this one...my jaw literally dropped.

Heath Ledger.


Damn fine actor. Will be missed. R.I.P.

December 24th, 2007


1. Tell you why I friended you.
2. Associate you with something - fandom, a song, a color, a photo, etc.
3. Tell you something I like about you.
4. Tell you a memory I have of you.
5. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
6. Tell you my favorite user pic of yours.

And happy overcommercialized holiday everyone! <3

December 1st, 2007

Every time I see my brother and his girlfriend together, it makes me angry. He doesn't love her. Girls are used to amuse him. He takes pride in a picture he took of her in one of the dog's cages. He teases her a lot, and he has a rather horrid personality.
Why does he deserve this? I have a lover, someone that I care about so much that it hurts, and he lives 2200 miles away. I wait by the phone for his calls, I anxiously count the days when I can see him again (28, counting today). He is my first waking thought, my final thought before I go to sleep. This is love.
My brother knows nothing about love, and doesn't care.
My lover is always there for me. He has seen me at my absolute worst, through three hospitalizations, through all my neurotic babblings, the nights I cried, the slow hell that my life here is coming to. Everything. I always knew I wanted to be with him, but at the airport before I left this summer, I knew for sure, without any doubt, that he was the love of my life and there was no one else in this world who would love and understand me like he does, no one else in this world that I want to be with for the rest of my life.
How many people can say that? Certainly not my brother, who for whatever reason is given whatever he wants. If karma is real, I'm waiting. I can't wait until we're together, every moment savored, when we don't have to worry about distance or other people's interference.
I can't wait until I'm in his arms again
but I have to
and really, it's just not fair.

September 23rd, 2007

So anything new...hmmmmm

I'm trying to quit smoking. Yesterday SUCKED, today so far hasn't been bad...but it hasn't been that long, ha. I find myself constantly hungry, though. I've been seriously considering eating half the food we have since I woke up.

School...blah. I'm doing well, and it's nice only having to go three days a week, but still...the agony.

I'm finally getting my wisdom teeth out--Oct. 29th. How long has it been since I was bitching? They're also taking out that sneaky extra tooth growing beneath my gums. A day and a half stoned on Lortab, though...yet they're doing an IV anesthetic semi-sedation...which means another giant bruise on my arm. >.<

I can see my roots...which wouldn't be so bad if my hair was ANYTHING CLOSE to my natural hair color...*sigh*

I'm spacing out and I'm quite hungry, so this spells the end of my small update.

P.S. I miss you terribly and I feel the same <3

September 13th, 2007

(no subject)





August 31st, 2007


Incubus, "I Miss You"

To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.

You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said "I miss you"?

I see your picture.
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
But already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you.

August 19th, 2007



July 1st, 2007

(no subject)

You always thing it could never happen to you. They're so happy.

And then it hits you. Hard. Like a punch to the stomach and a shot in your heart.

Last night my mother tripped on something and fell, and she couldn't get up. My brother and I got her and carried her to her room, and she was crying, constantly apologizing and thanking us. We did what we had to do. This is our mother and we love her.

I stayed with her for a while, comforting her, telling her I loved her. She was still apologizing, still thanking me, still telling me she loved me. She was so tired, she said, and I knew she was. It was a very bad week for her--she had to work overtime and her boss's boss was pressuring her to get her work in on time, plus the puppies, plus dealing with us.

And then she said, "It's been even harder because your dad has been gone."

And by gone, she didn't mean the divorce, although that could be an undertone.

My father comes around his obligatory Monday, Wednesday, and Friday nights, and Saturdays and Sundays. This week he had to go to Michigan, from Tuesday till Friday.

And it angered me.

Not that he went to Michigan.

Everything else.

He comes home, smiling, holding up a too-big periwinkle T-shirt and says, "There's not much in Michigan," smiling.

I smiled back and accepted. I don't remember if I thanked him. I thought about thanking him later, but I didn't.

And as I lay there with my mother, I wondered, how could he do this to her?

My brother and I were used to him not being around that much from an early age, and I never had a very good relationship with my father...but my mother loves him, and despite everything she says, that she doesn't need to rely on anyone but herself, she still looks to him for comfort, for support.

It kills me.

He's selfish. He's cruel. He tries to make up for what he's done to us by assuring us he's going to take care of us, by picking up my cigarettes for me, by taking my brother golfing.

And for what? So we can forget that he's a worm.

"I'm still your father. You don't have to love me, but you have to respect me."

I'll respect you when you earn it, which you probably won't. Until then, take some pressure off my mother and shut the fuck up.

June 24th, 2007

*gasp* Update!

So I haven't written in a while...hmmm....

Well, on the weekdays until my mom gets home I'm on puppy duty...I let them out and watch them piss and shit and play around, eating grass, fighting over toys, sliding on the basement concrete, etc.

Max (the lab) is getting so big! He's almost the same size as Colton (the husky)...he used to be much smaller. They're tiring, but they're adorable.

My mom and I take them on walks almost every day so we're going to be buffed...ripped like Jesus.

I lost about 10lbs...I know what you're thinking, "YOU DON'T NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!" but I went from 132 to about 122ish, and I wanted to lose it...my little belly that was forming is gone, which is nice.

Aaaaand...I'm going to Vegas!!!!!!!! I leave July 14th (night flight...leave around 6:30, get there around 2:00) and leave the 15th of August. I can't wait to get out of this place and be with my lover again, because I miss him terribly.

...that's about it for now.

June 3rd, 2007

(no subject)

So we got our black lab today! We're naming him Maxim (after the Sabres player, god help me I can't spell his name), Max for short.

Max and Colton, already sleeping together.

June 2nd, 2007

(no subject)

I have hospital lag...I've been home since 12:30ish and have accomplished nothing.

For those of you who know, you know. If you don't, you can ask. I honestly don't feel like getting into much here except for two things.

1.) I am completely in love with Marcus Gonser, have always been, and will continue to be. Hopefully I'll see him in July. ^_^

2.) My brother got his husky puppy today! He's thinking of naming him Colton but is undecided. He's eight weeks old and totally adorable.

April 27th, 2007

So I haven't updated in a while, eh?

Four weeks of school and I'm done. I'm a bit disappointed because I thought it was less, but I just checked my calendar and yep, four weeks. Home stretch. Woo. My GPA's going to go down the tubes because I've been a major slacker this semester, but I honestly don't give a fuck anymore.

After much deliberation, I've decided to return to E.C.C. next semester and not go to Daemen after all. $10,000/year is tempting, but there's still a shitload of money after that, and I don't want to live in Amherst, because I'd have to dorm because I'm not driving there and back...40 minutes one way...nooooo thanks. Plus, I like E.C.C. It's more laid-back, and it's not like I can't get a valid degree there and go somewhere else.

And I'm not going to lie--part of it is my boyfriend. It's not the huge deciding factor, but this is the best relationship I've ever had and will probably ever have. I have a hard time going a day without seeing him--living in Amherst means once a week, if that, and lots of phone calls. I like my life here. I don't want to leave now.

I've become a lot closer to my mother lately. We've always been close but now that I'm more "stable," I guess, we seem to click even more. We're always looking out for each other, helping each other, and I think we both need that. We both work on trying to be stronger mentally and emotionally, and we can really identify with each other. I love it.

My father's apparently in Ohio. He left early yesterday and coming back Sunday night...it would have been nice to have known this beforehand, but whatever. It's a strange dynamic in my house now, and I'm not sure how to feel about it.

March 27th, 2007


He's afraid of the supernatural, which means I'll never convince him to use my Ouija board with me. I don't understand how someone of his age can still be scared of "ghosts." He told me he was afraid of ghosts when he was younger and that when he hears people saying his name it freaks him out. I went through the same thing--I was put on an antipsychotic.

What amazes me is that he has faith in astrology and palm-reading, but not such things as tarot. Couldn't get him to do a simple tarot reading so I did one on him for myself. Was I pretty much spot-on? Yes, but still...ehhh

Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking astrology and palm-reading, but astrology in particular rubs me the wrong way as something to put a lot of faith into. Look up your horoscope at five different websites and you'll get five completely different answers. The personality traits are also generalized to try to fit a large population of people. I like astrology, but it's a novelty. I suppose tarot is also a novelty, but it's something I put a little more faith in because it's not just some random hack saying things. I don't know, maybe I'm way off base.

And palm reading...don't get me started.


My art teacher is a dick. I skipped out of class 10 minutes early...10 minutes...and I get a rude interrogation. I bullshit that I had a doctor's appointment, and he said that I needed to stay for the whole class and not make appointments during class. I told him I would talk to my "doctor."

...10 fucking minutes! We would have been doing the same damn thing--drawing a shoe--and we're doing it next class too! Christ, every other teacher is at least sympathetic and doesn't ask. I think they can see it in my eyes. This one's a trip, though. As I told a girl today in class, "I hate shoes." He's sucking my will to create.

March 24th, 2007

(no subject)

Blur, "Song 2"

Wooooo Hooooooo!
Wooooo Hooooooo!
Wooooo Hooooooo!
Wooooo Hooooooo!

I got my head checked
By a jumbo jet
It wasn't easy
But nothing is, no

(Wooooo Hooooooo!)
When I feel heavy metal
(Wooooo Hooooooo!)
And I'm pins and I'm needles
(Wooooo Hooooooo!)
Well, I lie and I'm easy
All of the time
But I'm never sure why I need you
Pleased to meet you

I got my head done
When I was young
It's not my problem
It's not my problem

(Wooooooooo Hooooooo!!!)
When I feel heavy metal
(Wooooo Hooooooo!)
And I'm pins and I'm needles
(Wooooo Hooooooo!)
Well, I lie and I'm easy
All of the time
But I'm never sure why I need you
Pleased to meet you

Yeah Yeah
Yeah Yeah
Yeah Yeah
Oh Yeah

I tried to convince Gonser that there was deep meaning in this song. He just laughed at me. I tried to act convincing, but I ended up giggling at the end.

I said "Song 2 is really an analyzation of life and why we're here and what effect growing up has on us."

So everyone looks at this song. Haha, it's the "Woo hoo" song! I think it has a deeper meaning hidden in it...but hell, I could be wrong.

I in particular look at "I got my head done/when I was young..."--an obvious reference to the influence parents have on their children by raising them and instilling their thoughts and values in them.

Or maybe it's just another goddamn novelty song.

March 23rd, 2007

(no subject)

I'm at the "limbo stage" of my day. No school today, gotta love "College Day."
But there's this time period in my mind between when he leaves and I finally do something productive where I sit at my computer and browse the internet, until eventually I get up and continue my day.

Gonser and I were hungry and we wanted popcorn but we didn't want to wake up my mom so we made a midnight trip to McDonald's. That woke her up. Shit.

As usual, there are so many things I should/can do. I have a psych test on Monday and I have to prepare my cheat sheet. House chores. Crocheting. Drawing. Painting. Other various amusing activities.

My room's a mess again. Gee, who saw that one coming?

Finally saw my therapist yesterday after long over a month, perhaps two months. She says I'm improving.

Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of my first day of the first hospitalization. They tell me to be proud, but I'm saving that one for June, when I'm one year hospital-free.

Bah, this entry is useless.

March 17th, 2007

Agnosticism is the limbo of religion--you're not quite sure what you believe anymore--and this was never more apparent than last night.

My brother had a bruised kidney--last night he was doubled over in pain and they took him to the MAC center, where he was then taken in an ambulance to Mercy. Now, everyone knows how much I hate Mercy, but amazingly, they did get something right--the pediatric floor. My brother had a private room with phone and television, and they brought another hospital bed in so my mother could spend the night with him. Me, terrified of being home alone at night, had Gonser come over at 12:30 in the morning so I would have someone there with me.

I realized a couple of things.

I love my brother. I know we've butted heads and secretly I've been angry and cursed him, but deep down he's my brother and I'm glad I have him. Within the past few years we've become closer, sharing our problems, and lately he has listened to me and told me things that I've heard before in a way that I could comprehend and agree with.

Back to the religious crisis.

I'm sitting outside smoking a cigarette, and I start wanting to talk to someone of a higher power...but realizing I had no idea what the hell this "higher power" is. As I started talking my words seemed insincere, since I didn't know who or what the hell I was talking to...so I started talking to Vicky. I didn't know her as well as I wish I did, but she was the only tangible being I could think of to talk to, so I talked to her, telling her that I wished my brother well, wishing she would look over him.

My brother got out today, and I was never more relieved to see my entire family--the Explorer with my father at the wheel and mother, brother, and his girlfriend in tow. Tonight I won't be alone, and I don't think I've ever been so grateful of my family in a long time.

March 12th, 2007

(no subject)

I feel sick. I feel nauseous with depression. Why is it that some days I feel like a worthy, functional human being, and other days I want to curl up into a ball, or run away and never look back?

There are no answers, only more questions.

"Were you abused as a child?"

High school. We all embarrassed ourselves, we all did unthinkable things, we all believed it hell, the bottom of the barrel. Yet in that hell there were bright spots, even near the end, when my mind got the best of me and I left. Gonser drove me there a couple of times so I could return my books and clean out my locker, but I didn't feel remorse for leaving, only for those I left behind.

"Were you abused as a child?"
"No, I don't think so."

Just an hour ago I was smiling. I was doing a chore I hated--unloading and reloading the dishwasher. Unloading I don't mind so much, because putting dishes away is simple. Loading is the part I don't like. I can deal with putting my dinner plate in but often I get physically ill when I have to load in other people's dishes, the smell, the feeling of old food and fermented drinks could make quite the emetic. I was still smiling though. High school. If high school was an inkblack sky then the good parts are the stars. I remember my freshman year, as two of my best friends and I tried to play guitar, and there was that song, that song that some forgot existed. "Fever For the Flava," by Hot Action Cop. I listened to it until I knew every word, and four years later, having not heard it in so long, I still remember the words. I remember the line "You gotta be my first lady, Jackie," and how Rachael thought he was saying "jacket."

"Were you abused as a child?"
"Probably not."

And now I'm 19, in my second semester at college. I hate it. I feel like I'm going through the motions and when summer comes I won't remember anything, for nothing truly remarkable has happened. I am a high school dropout, which shocks people when they hear it, but they had no idea what happened. I have a GED instead of the advanced Regents diploma I would have had if what happened wouldn't have happened. I hate Daylight Savings', it's dark at 7:00 in the morning and light at 7:00 at night. I want to sleep, but if I sleep now I won't sleep tonight. Tomorrow my boyfriend works early, so my dad's driving me in to school. My grandfather is taking me home, which makes me anxious. Being alone with him has always made me anxious. I remember when I was in sixth or seventh grade and he used to drive me to dance class, and he never took the way my parents did, and I was convinced he wanted to rape me. He was the one who drove me home on my last day of school. I don't believe what I used to, but being alone with him still makes me anxious. Conversation will be awkward, the drive will seem endless, and when I finally leave the car I will thank him and try to quell the impulse to run, and walk carefully instead, my eyes on my feet, keys dangling in my hands. I still have the lock/trunk key for my Grand AM, and even though the car is long gone, the key will most likely remain.

"Were you abused as a child?"

I don't have an answer anymore.

March 6th, 2007

So yeah, in case you haven't heard, I've been having problems.
And in case you haven't heard, Britney Spears is too.

Okay, so she shaved her head, ran around rehab screaming she was the anti-christ, wrote 666 on her forehead, and tried to hang herself with a bedsheet.

People laugh. Ha, Britney's flipped. She's a wacko. People are upset she didn't kill herself.

You people make me sick.

I don't give a fuck that I don't like her music and that she's done odd things in her life. The point is, she's mentally unstable. How funny would it be if I ran around screaming and tried to hang myself? How about someone you know, someone close to you? Would it be funny then?

Did it ever occur to you that someone you know, someone you're close with, is suffering from similar disorders and symptoms that Britney is dealing with? I've wanted to run out of a room screaming, I've wanted to hang myself, hell, I'll even admit it, I tried to kill myself once or twice. It's not that uncommon. People deal with this shit all the time.

So laugh it up. Revel in Britney's misery if you please, but do it in private, away from the rest of us who actually see the severity of the situation and don't feel the need to demean her because she's famous.

February 20th, 2007

...I'm gonna take this goddamn world and burn it to the ground.

I need to clean my room. I need to do some school thing but I have until next Tuesday so I'll probably forget about it for a few days. Gonser claims I'm living in a pigsty and that when we live together I'm not living like this.
His uses of the word "when" instead of "if" intrigue me. He's planning this? He still wants this?
I do.
School's becoming a little easier for me to swallow...I got a 94 on my psych test, but god knows how I'll do on my anthro test considering I guessed on a good amount of questions.
mmmmm...and I saw Abe and Michele today! That was exciting; due to my lack of transportation I haven't seen anyone in a while. I do miss my friends.
...and that about does it.

February 8th, 2007

The Honesty Survey

Honestly, how many people have you kissed?
Um...this isn't specific enough. Family members, of course. Aside from that? Uhhh...a good amount.

Honestly, what color is your underwear?

Honestly, whats on your mind?
I miss my boyfriend. =(

Honestly, what are you doing right now?
Besides the survey, procrastinating.

Honestly, do you think you are attractive?
I have the potential to be, but 95% of the time I don't think I am.

Honestly, have you done something bad today?
No, but it's only 10:00.

Honestly, do you watch disney channel?

Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
Sort of.

Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?
My boyfriend.

Honestly, do you bite your nails?

Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?

Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?

Honestly, when is the last time you have been to taco bell?
Long time ago, sometime in the Galleria Mall.

Honestly, are you loyal?

Honestly, are you in denial?
About what?

Honestly, where would you rather be right now?
It's more like who would I rather be with.

Honestly, do you like someone?
Of course

Honestly, what was the last thing someone said to you?
My mom "I turned the furnace up for you," because after I finish this I'm going in the shower.

Honestly, what did you say to them?
I smiled and thanked her.

Honestly, do you kiss and tell?

*Anger Section*

1. What do you do when you're mad?
Become moody and bitchy, or lay in bed.

2. What's the worst thing you've done when you were mad?
Hurt someone close to me.

3. Ever made anyone cry when you were mad?

4. Do you swear when you're mad?

*crying section*

1. when was the last time you REALLY cried your heart out?

2. cried your self to sleep?

3.Do you still cry when you get an injury?

4. Do certain songs make you cry?
If I'm extremely sad to begin with

5. What usually makes you cry?

*Happy Section*

1. Are you normally a happy person?
Um, not really?

2. What can make you happy?
Boyfriend, friends, pizza, etc.

3. Does being with your friends make you happy?
Of course.

*Self-Esteem Section*

1. Do you believe in yourself?
Yes and no

2. When people say they think you are good looking/pretty, do you deny that you are?
Usually, yes.

3. Are you one of those people that think they are ugly, dumb, and gross?
Not always gross, but the other two yes.
Let me bring you up to speed:
I'm still with my girlfriend, Cassandra. You remember Cassandra, right? *cue picture and "Dream Weaver"*

Ok, now for the real story.
-My father quit his job, and since his car was a company car he had to get a new one. He's leasing a Saturn Ion, and I must admit, I was drooling a bit. He said not to be jealous because it comes with a price tag, but I just can't help myself. Plusish.
-My car is not fixable. =( The collision place said the parts to fix it were so hard to get that they stopped adding up the damage after $2500. Shit. I hoped it would be fixable, but now I get to wait and see if I can snatch up another car. Sweet. Minus.
-I haven't gone to school all this week, though I may drag my ass in tomorrow. This is my main "worry" right now, as I'm not sure how I'm going to catch up and I have upcoming tests next week. Fun. Huge Minus.
-My mom is feeling quite better...she has her bad moments, but she seems much more like her normal self. Yay. Plus.
-My depression is lifting. Plus
-Most importantly, my boyfriend and I are okay again. I don't know how we'll see each other, but the fact that we're all right again is wonderful enough. Extremely Huge Plus

I think that just about covers everything.

February 6th, 2007

(no subject)

As I think about the events that have transpired today, I am reminded of a line from The Waterboy:

"The chickens are coming to roost...you're going to lose all your fancy fooseball friends..."

I feel like I'm going to lose the first person I ever loved. He is irreplacable.

But I'm afraid that the chickens are coming to roost...
So this is the first time someone has overestimated my driving skills instead of underestimated.
I should have known better, I really should have. I should have told my parents, but it was 6:15 in the morning. I was surprised I was actually functional.
So my boyfriend drives to work because he has to work at 7:00, giving me the car to drive home.
Five minutes later I'm sitting in the Toys 'R Us parking lot, and no, it was not to recapture my youth.
I make a right turn out of the mall area and head to the next light, in the left turning lane. Since the roads are SHIT I end up sliding and rear-ending someone.
Luckily, the guy wasn't a complete asshole--he was actually quite nice and calm; the first thing he did when he got out of his car was asking me if I was all right. He asked me that several times afterward.
So I knocked out his back taillight and screwed up his exhaust pipe...
...but my car...
Left light knocked out, hood buckled. Messy, but driveable and hopefully fixable enough to be functional.
*sigh* I don't know if it will be driveable anymore because we got the car for $1000 and my father said if it was substantially more it wasn't worth fixing.
Hooray for being in car limbo.
Now my boyfriend's screwed though, but I swear to god if he starts yelling at me about driving I'm going to scream...and probably hang up on him. My parents tell me not to think about it because everything's okay, and I learned a lesson the hard way...but trust me, it's not a fun situation.

On a side note, I realize what's causing my depression--the most obvious reason in the world, so obvious I didn't even think of it. Last time I was at the psychiatrist's he decreased my antidepressant...duhhhh.

And now I'm sleeping, because I can.

February 5th, 2007

Covered in security
I can't let you smother me
I'd like to but it couldn't work
Trading off and taking turns
Don't regret a thing...

So there are a few days in a month where I get quite hormonal and hysterical, often over silly insignificant things.
I had a snow day today, so I enjoyed it by doing nothing productive. Later my mother chews me out for doing nothing; this sends me into a spiral of shame and depression, deciding I'm not good enough for anything, et cetera, et cetera.
She comes in fiery, asking what's wrong, et cetera, and it comes out that I want to leave school, which she counters with that if I do, I have to get a full-time job and get my own health insurance since hers won't cover me anymore, and since I really need the insurance, I have to bust my ass and get my act together.
Then it finally comes out that she herself is as depressed as I am, but she finds the strength to get through it--this morning she wanted to crawl in bed and cry, but she didn't.
And the truth about my father finally comes out--his job is in peril.
As many companies do, my father's place of employment has very fucked-up politics...but get this...
My father has two bosses at work: Mike and Dave. Dave is an Irish timebomb. Mike, from my recollections of stories, is kind of a tightass. Anyway, Mike's wife Deirdre works in the office near my father, and he had a fight with her, so now Mike thinks he's an asshole, and despite the fact that my father's basically third in command there and they'd probably be lost without him, he's in danger of losing his job...so he's been looking into a job at another tool company. My mother didn't want to tell me this because she was afraid of how I would take it, but I'm relieved. Now I know what the hell's going on with my father, and why he goes out with friends more, and everything, while it isn't okay, is at least explained.
Anyway, I need to get to bed soon because I have to be up ridiculously early. -_-

February 4th, 2007

(no subject)

it's been almost a year
but i still think about it
and i often blame myself.

(no subject)

I've missed way more school than I should. My MWF class, I realize, I've skipped every other day.
But what do I say?
Do I tell them that I've been through hard times that have caused a depression that makes it hard to pull myself together and I'm doing the best I can?
Would they understand?
Would they even care?
I want to rationalize it but they won't see it.
All they'll see is a girl who doesn't come in a whole lot.
Sometimes it's just easier to hide, pull the covers over my head and sleep.
I've comsidered dropping but I'd have to find other classes in their place
and I don't know if I really want to do that
but I probably should.
I'll look into it...

January 22nd, 2007

(no subject)

School wasn't as horrific as I thought, but it's only the first day so I'm not holding my breath for a great semester.

I saw a guy from my psych class last semester...he's hard of hearing so I have to talk really loud in his ear for him to hear me, and he's probably old enough to be my father, but he's really cool. We stood outside smoking and talking about our classes this semester. He's into graphic arts, which I find awesome because I had considered doing it at one time. He's working with Photoshop...I almost started laughing because lord do I know that program well.

I also saw Stephen Paris! Christ, it's been forever since I've seen that boy. He bummed a cigarette off me, which doesn't bother me at all because I have twelve more packs sitting on my bedroom floor, but it was so nice to see someone I knew.

Schellen's in my Anthropology class...yay!

And Abnormal Psych...well, I talked too much. I tend to--I tend to have very strong opinions about topics I know, and it's kind of funny because a girl from my Social Institutions class is in that class with me...and I talked too much in that class. Ha.

Sooooo...Saturday night I stayed at Gonser's because we were going to get to Best Buy early to get my dad a Wii for his birthday...he told me 6:00 in the morning, and I wasn't looking forward to it but I said what the hell. We woke up at 5:30ish, he left and I stayed in bed...he came back soon after because there wasn't anyone in line, so we slept some more, then we went to Panera so he could use his laptop. I got a café mocha...much too bitter. In a good café mocha, you can't taste the espresso much...I felt like I was drinking espresso with foam on top. Eh, whatever. Then we went back to his house and slept a little more. We only ended up waiting in line about 10 minutes, because that's when people really started to line up, but it wasn't crazy, and we got the Wii and since he didn't use his employee discount I snatched the purchase on the basically-useless rewards point thing...I'll have a $5 gift certificate for Best Buy coming for me...w00t?

And I'm still alive, yes, but I play World of Warcraft a lot...I think I sort of developed an addictive personality.

And now I'm going to sleep...I'm exhausted.

January 21st, 2007


So tomorrow is the day I have been dreading since New Year's...the first day back to school.

Some people go to college because they know what they want to do.
Some people go to college to escape.
Some people go to college because they're forced to.

I have to go so I can keep my health insurance, but I'm terrified.

Everything was "planned" for me, and then I got sick. I pulled a 4.0 and I'm still nervous. I'm overreacting, I know, but I just can't help it.

Gonser got me into World of Warcraft, and it's highly addicting, but I can't shake the feeling that it's destroying my life. I find that I'm more irritable and depressed lately...and I almost got reported for yelling at someone that I was going to skullfuck them...Polish temper?

Had an interesting day today, but I'm super tired.

January 13th, 2007

I should...

...shower, even though I don't really need to.
...figure out why the hell I woke up at 7:30 in the morning.
...fill out some scholarship applications.
...get dressed and ready for the day.
...at least get off my ass and put my coffee cup in the kitchen...

...but instead I'm going to do what I do best
and procrastinate
on everything.

January 10th, 2007

(no subject)

So I got this $50 gift card for Abercrombie and Fitch for Christmas. Hollister didn't take it, and the nearest one is quite far, so I took to the internet.
I found a pair of cute pants for $39.50 (on clearance) and with tax and shipping it left me with a few cents on the card.
I just got the pants today and they're awesome.

In other news...
The big one-year is a week from today. EEK.
I've been lazily applying for scholarships. I think I've applied for four, five, six or something like that. I will do more. Eventually...
School starts again in a week and a half and I don't want to go.
But my Social Institutions teacher finally posted my grade and I can officially say I got a 4.0...yay!
Um...I'm going to try out World of Warcraft, and I'm terrified I'm going to be addicted. I can't pay a monthly fee! Plus, I don't even know how to work anything...lovely.

That's...about it.
And it's fucking cold.
I am not pleased.

January 2nd, 2007

In 2006 I...
( ) stayed single for the whole year
( ) got your first kiss
(x) kissed someone new
( ) made-out for the first time
(x) made-out in/on a car
( ) kissed in the snow
(x) celebrated Halloween
(x) kissed in the rain
(x) fell in love
( ) had your heart broken
(x) broke someone else's heart
( ) had a stalker
( ) mooned someone
( ) went over the minutes on your cell phone
(x) had a good relationship with someone
( ) suffered through teenage heartbreak
( ) came out of the closet
( ) gotten someone else pregnant
( ) had an abortion
( ) gotten married
( ) had a divorce
(x) dated someone you'll never forget (does it count when I'm still dating them? It does now.)
( ) done something you've regretted
( ) lost your love
( ) lost faith in love
( ) kissed under mistletoe


( ) got a promotion
( ) got a pay raise
( ) changed jobs
(x) waited until one day before to begin a project
( ) lost your job
(x) quit your job
( ) dated a co-worker
( ) dated your boss
( ) dated your boss' daughter/son
( ) got fired from your job
(x) took an honors/advanced class
(x) broke the dress code
( ) sent to the principles office for misbehavior
(x) got straight A's
(x) met one teacher you really like
(x) met one teacher you really hated
( ) failed a class
(x) cut class
(x) kicked a boy in the balls
(x) skipped school
(x) got into a fight with a classmate
(x) did something you were proud of
(x) discovered a new talent
(x) gave the teachers a reason to teach
(x) proved yourself an idiot
( ) embarrassed yourself in front of the class
( ) fell in love with a teacher
( ) intentionally tripped someone at school
( ) got a part in the school play
( ) made a school team
(x) were involved in something you'll never forget


(x) painted a picture
(x) wrote a poem
( ) ran a mile
( ) seen a live concert
(x) posted a blog on MySpace
(x) listened to music you couldn't stand
(x) double-dipped
( ) skinny-dipped
(x) went to a sleepover
( ) went camping
(x) threw a shoe
(x) laughed till you cried
( ) laughed till you peed in your pants
( ) didn't wash your hands after using bathroom
( ) visited a foreign country
(x) broke in a line of waiting people
( ) volunteered to help out others
( ) visited a new state
(x) told someone you were busy when you werent
( ) partied to celebrate the new year
( ) cooked a disasterous meal
( ) drove the car drunk
( ) lost something important to you
( ) smoked pot for the first time
( ) lied about how old you were
(x) got a gift you liked
( ) almost got arrested
(x) prank called someone
( ) saw a college football game in person

January 1st, 2007

So my father has lost about 30 pounds over the last few months, and people at his work are jealous, including his corpulent Irish boss. (he has two bosses, but this one is more infamous) So here's the quote (keep in mind, it's all in fun):

Boss: Every time I look at you, I want to vomit.
Dad: Well, there's a good start! Every day you look at me, vomit, and then you'll start losing weight!

December 30th, 2006

Let's be honest.

Sometimes I wish I never crawled out of my hole.

December 29th, 2006

Dear God,

How the hell are you?

A quote from a Matthew Good Band song claims, "If Heaven's for clean people, it's vacant."

As you know, if you even exist, I have had a crisis of faith since I was in the second grade. I've got to tell you, God, if you want to get your message heard, you need to find a better way to do it. Hook yourself up with some kickass advertising agency that can convincingly convey your message just like they made "Whasssssssup" a catchphrase. The Sunday School teachers are outdated and the books they use to teach sound like faerie tales. God is portrayed at the same level as Santa Claus--be good or there will be a negative consequence--and at some point the parents sit the kids down and tell them Santa isn't real, which consequently puts into their minds the faerie tale picture of God and whether or not he exists.

I once argued with some Baptists at the fair; not just because I get kicks out of arguing, but because their message was so similar, vague, and mythical. You're going to tell me that if Ted Bundy repented for his crimes he'd be in Heaven, but if Saint What's-His-Face commits one little sin and doesn't repent for it before he kicks the bucket, he goes to hell? This makes absolutely no sense.

As for sins and confession, how am I supposed to feel comfortable as an 8-year-old to tell all the bad things I've done wrong to some elderly man I don't know?

And why do Catholic priests conduct marriage counseling when they themselves can't even marry? What do they know about marriage? What can they know about love? And people wonder why the scandals with the priests happened.

Going back to sinning, how are we supposed to know what's good and what's bad nowadays? The lines have become so blurred and there are so many contradictions that I can't wrap my head around what's right in a religion. People run around preaching 'til the sun comes up but they're all saying different things. There are so many religions that exist--how are we supposed to know which one is right? Why should we even assign ourselves to a religion? Why can't we just aim to be good, decent people without having the burden of a religion get in the way? I'm not saying that believing in God and having faith is a burden, but the message has become so convoluted and people believe theirs is right or most important and so many arguments, battles, and wars have happened because of religion that it's difficult to even think of wanting to be "one of them." Why should you sit through a mass you hate--does sitting there dreading it and thinking about how much you don't want to be there make you a better person?

In conclusion, do I believe in you? I honestly don't know. I don't know what to believe.

I'd love to end this with, hey, if you exist, take two seconds and post a comment in this Livejournal, but you know I'm going to get some hokey anonymous comments making fun saying "OMFG IM GOOOODDDD! FEEER MY WRAAAATH!" (misspelling intentional, to show the general intelligence level of the Internet masses) or something equally redundant. I'd love if you could give me some sort of electronic sign in here...but that's like asking you to show yourself right now, so I won't impose, although a sign would be nice.

In conclusion, if you really are there, I think it's time you step up and set the people straight. They're all mad, I tell you.



In 2007, narcoticnoir resolves to...
Go colouring three times a week.
Take guidrage crocheting.
Give up lovable lushes.
Pay for my thrift stores on time.
Start a self-gratification fund.
Tell my family about ice cubes.
Get your own New Year's Resolutions:

December 26th, 2006

So my Christmas present to myself in 2005 was...to break up with my boyfriend. Nice? No. Necessary? Yes.

So I started 2006 single and on Zoloft, fighting with my idiot psychiatrist.

I was a senior in high school, 13th in my class, but I fucking hated that place. I apparently took the economics exam and passed, though I don't remember it at all, because I didn't have to retake it and government was upon me. Due to the self-righteous teachers that found it amusing to fuck me over, I was getting really sick of that place.

Three weeks to the dot after I broke up with my boyfriend, on January 17th, I got a new one. I was terrified--this was my first relationship in a long time that was based on actual desire rather than some other unsavory reason. Usually I initiated relationships in which I was the one in control of everything--to use my last one in particular, he loved me more than I loved him, so everything was easier. This was different. I didn't want to be in control, but I feared desperately that since my previous relationships were all dysfunctional, this one would turn out the same.

In March, I had finally had enough with high school. On a Monday I went home sick and freaking out, and I never went back. I had a nervous breakdown and didn't go to school. By this time I got a new psychiatrist who actually knew what he was doing--he diagnosed me with depressive disorder, GAD, and OCD, took me off Zoloft, and put me on Lexapro (which I am still on) and Ativan (which didn't do shit). A few days later I became suicidal, so hello BryLin.

I loved and loathed that place. Everything was so organized, so I didn't feel like I was losing control, but still I wanted to get out, because it was hurting everyone and for some reason I figured getting out would make me better. My boyfriend stood by me when he could have left and I wouldn't have blamed him for it--he'd only invested two months into me, and most people would have left...but he didn't. This came as a shock to me, because I was so used to feeling inadequate and I figured the hospitalization was the major fuck-up I'd commit that would end this relationship. While in the hospital I was taken off the Ativan, leaving me anxious and jittery for a weekend before I was put on Klonopin, and when I mentioned my deep-set paranoia I was put on Seroquel.

When I got out they were ready to send me back to school, but even thinking about going back made me nauseous. I was going to try home-schooling, but that didn't work out because I didn't have that much work sent home and I just couldn't bring myself to do that. I also became quite manic, quit my job of almost two years, and spent money like it was nothing. My account quickly went from around $1000 to about $100...but I thought I would be better soon...

...turns out that didn't happen. I was diagnosed with bipolar II and put on Lamictal, and I became somewhat suicidal again late May, and said the wrong things to the wrong people. Back to BryLin for me in early June, same feelings, different people. I hated the guy who now did the group therapies, so I would go in, take the information sheet, and go to my room and sleep.

During the summer I was desperately trying to hold myself together, because I was told a third trip to BryLin could end up landing me in an institution. Having a boyfriend who loved me and I truly loved in return helped immensely. I survived the summer and got my GED. We tried to quit smoking, but I ended up nearly having another nervous breakdown, so back to cigarettes it was. I do want to quit, but only when I'm ready and I can function without them.

Fall came and I went to register at ECC...even though I didn't get into all the classes I wanted I had a pretty decent schedule and was able to take my English course online. I liked college a lot more than high school, although I did my fair share of skipping, particularly near the end of the semester...and I managed, to my knowledge (one teacher didn't post the grades yet) to get a 4.0. Amazing. I registered for my spring semester online and got into all the classes I wanted to get in last semester but couldn't. I'll have to be there a little longer than last semester because I'm taking five classes on campus (as opposed to four classes and an online course), but I'm ready.

Christmas...I got my iPod, $20 for the mall, $20 for Hot Topic, $20 in cash, a $25 check, $50 for Abercrombie and Fitch (laugh all you want but I checked out the website and they do have some cute stuff), makeup, a few video games, a belt that as cute as it is, I don't need it so I'm returning it, pajamas that I'm returning but my grandmother didn't put in a fucking gift receipt, a green suede jacket, a cute black sweater with poofballs, blank CDs, stockings that I had been lusting after at Target, and mocha Chapstick. I gave my brother a video game, my mother candles and earrings, my father Monty Python and the Holy Grail, my boyfriend a hoodie, and my boyfriend's sister a handmade blanket.

Today my boyfriend and I are going gift-returning.

Near the end of last year/beginning of this year I was eating Chinese with friends and I got a fortune cookie that said "The current year will bring you much happiness." I never put very much weight into fortune cookies but I saved that one and taped it on my mirror, hoping it would be true.

Turns out, despite the rough patches...it was right.

What to look forward to next year? Spring semester, celebrating my one-year with my boyfriend, transferring to Daemen, and I think I'm going to commute the first year.

New Year's Resolution? The main one is to work on myself, to learn to deal with my problems better. My secondary one is to quit smoking, but we'll see how that one pans out...
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